im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
