Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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