Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
