I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
