Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
