I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
