Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
