I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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