I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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