every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
