he puts the penis in happiness.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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