Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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