there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
