You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
