I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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