i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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