talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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