The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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