im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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