I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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