I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
