party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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