so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm like, not good at living.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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