I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
