so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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