Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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