Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
