The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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