at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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