my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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