I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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