Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
