I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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