Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
