The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
