Define "chronic" masturbator.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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