No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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