I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
