I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
