True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
