you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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