The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
