is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
