i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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