____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
