the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You are the jesus of drinking
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
