You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
