If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I touched a dick in church today
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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