Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
