Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
