rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
