So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
