I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
