Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
