bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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