Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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