Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
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Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.