I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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