Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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